God I don't even know how to start this thing smoothly. And, you know, I'd rather just talk to you in person. But you're going to do your damndest to make sure that doesn't happen, aren't you? God, you're so immature.
Sure. We all have a habit of being passive aggressive at times. Sometimes it's the only way to vent. But come on. Saying that you "can't" confront a problem is complete bull. What you're really saying is that you won't. Probably because deep down you know I'm not in the wrong here.
Saying that it "hurts" when someone says they care but don't show it, and that "they're being insanely hypocritical" is also bullshit, because in your case, saying that at all is being hypocritical in and of itself. When have you ever given a shit about me, huh? Like once? Maybe??
First of all you have NO IDEA what goes on in my head. Maybe I have a reason for not really showing that I care 100% of the time. Maybe it has something to do with how you constantly interrupt people when I'm having a decent conversation with them to say something completely irrelevant. Maybe it has something to do with you always shoving your drawings in other people's faces saying "Look at how beautiful my art is! Look at my beautiful style! Look at me! I'm perfect so that gives me the right to be hyper-critical of other people's work that they spent hours - even days sometimes - working on when I can draw a hyper-realistic face in less than 2!!" It gets old after a while. I - and others - get bored and annoyed.
Or, maybe - and this is my favorite one - the emotional abuse and manipulation you have put me through for the last 3 years to keep me around. Telling someone that you'll kill yourself and scrawl their name on the wall in your own blood before you die if they were to stop being your friend has effects on a person, believe it or not. Guilt tripping them into inviting you over to their house isn't right either. When they try to get away from this and from you and you start sobbing your eyes out and saying that they're a "terrible fucking friend" because they left you - even if it's not permanent, they just needed time away - gets to a person as well.
Here's a news flash for you: YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY HUMAN WITH FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS
WHAAAT OMG I HAD NO IDEA OH MY GOSH WHAT THEW FUCK IS HAPPENING EVERYONE ELSE ISN'T SECRET GOVERNMENT SPIES WORKING WITH THE ILLUMINATI TO JUDGE ME?????1?????///?????
no. no they're not. get over it.
The fact is, there are other people out there that are influenced by your words. I happen to be one of them. Ever wonder why I stopped showing my drawings to my friends at lunch? Wonder why I claim to have "lunchtime detention" every day all of a sudden? Wonder why I drown out the noise by turning up my music all the way when Ms Matzen isn't in her room and I'm forced to sit with you? Wonder why I never show any interest in your life anymore? Or are you too naïve to care? Because, to me, it feels like you only care about yourself.
The truth is, I'm falling apart. I don't know how or why but I am and it terrifies the shit out of me. I'm scared. I'm helpless. Hopeless. Hurt.
Your targeting me for your own selfish reasons isn't helping. When I need someone to be there for me because I'm not okay you're never there. You never try to help. Whether it be because the topic of several of my family members dying all in the same year makes you uncomfortable to talk about or that I straight up tell you that I'm not okay, you could still try to help instead of changing the subject to you and your life for once.
But of course. It's all my fault, right? I'm just a terrible, ignorant, hypocritical asshole who doesn't deserve you as a friend.
Take this message as you will. Report me for "cyberbullying" if you want I don't give a flying fuck anymore. If it happens twice they'll have to charge me, right? That's what you want isn't it? For me to be miserable? For my parents to be so disappointed in me they lock me up in a mental facility (which I know they aren't past doing, they did it to my sister)? Out of your life? God just shoot me down already I don't care anymore. The world would obviously be better off without me, I don't need to be told twice. But it's my turn to turn around and kick the world in the face because I'm sick of hearing it. I'm sick of having these negative thoughts all the goddamn time. I just want to be happy for more than 10 seconds damn it, and if that means getting rid of a few toxic people in my life then so be it. I'm tired of always being the one getting hurt and being expected to always bounce back and be fine. It's time I get some actual friends in my life that will be there for me when I need to talk and listen when I need them to listen. I can't keep going on like this, bottling everything up and hiding it away - pretending everything is fine - until it explodes and it's not, and the only people I'm comfortable enough to talk to about it aren't there, in one way or another.
For those of you that may read this that don't know what's going on, I'm okay. I just needed to get this off my chest.
Listening to: Linkin Park
Playing: The World Ends With You
Eating: burger & chips
Drinking: water, probably.