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About Varied / Hobbyist MelUnited States Groups :iconpony-mon: Pony-Mon
 
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So apparently my friend's friend's boyfriend is a pro photographer looking to get more experience, so my cosplay group and I were invited to have a free photoshoot this sunday!
I'll probably upload a few pictures from it when we get them, but I was excited so I thought I'd let you guys know.

I'm feeling a lot better lately, so disregard my previous entry about being existential. I'll still upload stuff, but I'm definitely going to be deleting some of my older stuff too. Just clean out the mess and whatnot. But hey, I'm finally on summer vacation so that's helpful. My mood has gotten significantly better after 2ish weeks of doing nothing but binge watching anime. Hahaaaa I know I'm trash I have started and finished like 6 different series already since school let out. B)
  • Mood: Relief
  • Listening to: Fall Out Boy
  • Reading: Deadman Wonderland
  • Watching: Vampire Knight
  • Playing: The World Ends With You
  • Eating: hotpocket
  • Drinking: applejuice
I've been thinking about stopping uploading my stuff here, moving solely to just posting my art on tumblr.

It's not like it really matters that much, none of my actual deviantart friends are active on here anymore anyway, and those who are follow me on tumblr or I follow them, etc.
It's not like I have a future in this business. Starving artist is a real thing. I'm not good enough and I probably won't be to be able to break out of that stereotype, even once I'm old enough to move out of my parents' house. Sure I'm pretty good at sculpting things, above average, but it's not worth anything if people don't buy my stuff. I've had a grand total of 3 commissions in my life, when combined together give me right around $60. No one can live off that. I won't be able to survive solely on my art if I'm averaging at that many commissions/year for $15 each. I need to focus on other more useful things and hope to God that the economy gets better by the time I'm out of school.

I just don't know what.
I don't have any dreams, I never have. I don't really have a plan to fall back on that won't put me in debt because college is expensive. Or, rather, I have too many and I'm not able to choose.
I just don't want to be stuck doing just one thing for my entire life.

In short, my icon is actually me, I am Haruka Nanase, please give me advice for my future because I am absolutely lost and kind of delusional (if I ignore the thing, the thing will cease to exist; the thing being my future. I know that's not exactly what happened w/ Haru but bear with me here), the end.
  • Mood: Distressed
  • Listening to: Fall Out Boy
  • Reading: nothing atm
  • Watching: Princess Jellyfish
  • Playing: The World Ends With You
  • Eating: Chinese food
  • Drinking: green tea
God I don't even know how to start this thing smoothly. And, you know, I'd rather just talk to you in person. But you're going to do your damndest to make sure that doesn't happen, aren't you? God, you're so immature.

Sure. We all have a habit of being passive aggressive at times. Sometimes it's the only way to vent. But come on. Saying that you "can't" confront a problem is complete bull. What you're really saying is that you won't. Probably because deep down you know I'm not in the wrong here.

Saying that it "hurts" when someone says they care but don't show it, and that "they're being insanely hypocritical" is also bullshit, because in your case, saying that at all is being hypocritical in and of itself. When have you ever given a shit about me, huh? Like once? Maybe??

First of all you have NO IDEA what goes on in my head. Maybe I have a reason for not really showing that I care 100% of the time. Maybe it has something to do with how you constantly interrupt people when I'm having a decent conversation with them to say something completely irrelevant. Maybe it has something to do with you always shoving your drawings in other people's faces saying "Look at how beautiful my art is! Look at my beautiful style! Look at me! I'm perfect so that gives me the right to be hyper-critical of other people's work that they spent hours - even days sometimes - working on when I can draw a hyper-realistic face in less than 2!!" It gets old after a while. I - and others - get bored and annoyed.
Or, maybe - and this is my favorite one - the emotional abuse and manipulation you have put me through for the last 3 years to keep me around. Telling someone that you'll kill yourself and scrawl their name on the wall in your own blood before you die if they were to stop being your friend has effects on a person, believe it or not. Guilt tripping them into inviting you over to their house isn't right either. When they try to get away from this and from you and you start sobbing your eyes out and saying that they're a "terrible fucking friend" because they left you - even if it's not permanent, they just needed time away - gets to a person as well.

Here's a news flash for you: YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY HUMAN WITH FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS
WHAAAT OMG I HAD NO IDEA OH MY GOSH WHAT THEW FUCK IS HAPPENING EVERYONE ELSE ISN'T SECRET GOVERNMENT SPIES WORKING WITH THE ILLUMINATI TO JUDGE ME?????1?????///?????
no. no they're not. get over it.

The fact is, there are other people out there that are influenced by your words. I happen to be one of them. Ever wonder why I stopped showing my drawings to my friends at lunch? Wonder why I claim to have "lunchtime detention" every day all of a sudden? Wonder why I drown out the noise by turning up my music all the way when Ms Matzen isn't in her room and I'm forced to sit with you? Wonder why I never show any interest in your life anymore? Or are you too naïve to care? Because, to me, it feels like you only care about yourself.

The truth is, I'm falling apart. I don't know how or why but I am and it terrifies the shit out of me. I'm scared. I'm helpless. Hopeless. Hurt.
Your targeting me for your own selfish reasons isn't helping. When I need someone to be there for me because I'm not okay you're never there. You never try to help. Whether it be because the topic of several of my family members dying all in the same year makes you uncomfortable to talk about or that I straight up tell you that I'm not okay, you could still try to help instead of changing the subject to you and your life for once.

But of course. It's all my fault, right? I'm just a terrible, ignorant, hypocritical asshole who doesn't deserve you as a friend.

Take this message as you will. Report me for "cyberbullying" if you want I don't give a flying fuck anymore. If it happens twice they'll have to charge me, right? That's what you want isn't it? For me to be miserable? For my parents to be so disappointed in me they lock me up in a mental facility (which I know they aren't past doing, they did it to my sister)? Out of your life? God just shoot me down already I don't care anymore. The world would obviously be better off without me, I don't need to be told twice. But it's my turn to turn around and kick the world in the face because I'm sick of hearing it. I'm sick of having these negative thoughts all the goddamn time. I just want to be happy for more than 10 seconds damn it, and if that means getting rid of a few toxic people in my life then so be it. I'm tired of always being the one getting hurt and being expected to always bounce back and be fine. It's time I get some actual friends in my life that will be there for me when I need to talk and listen when I need them to listen. I can't keep going on like this, bottling everything up and hiding it away - pretending everything is fine - until it explodes and it's not, and the only people I'm comfortable enough to talk to about it aren't there, in one way or another.

For those of you that may read this that don't know what's going on, I'm okay. I just needed to get this off my chest.
  • Mood: Anguish
  • Listening to: Linkin Park
  • Reading: fanfic
  • Watching: Psychopass
  • Playing: The World Ends With You
  • Eating: burger & chips
  • Drinking: water, probably.
Nobuchika Ginoza by Robinstar99
Nobuchika Ginoza
My bby ;-;
in other words guess who finished season 1 of Psychopass today
im still crying but I had to draw him happy because hE DESERVES HAPPINESS DAMMIT
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So apparently my friend's friend's boyfriend is a pro photographer looking to get more experience, so my cosplay group and I were invited to have a free photoshoot this sunday!
I'll probably upload a few pictures from it when we get them, but I was excited so I thought I'd let you guys know.

I'm feeling a lot better lately, so disregard my previous entry about being existential. I'll still upload stuff, but I'm definitely going to be deleting some of my older stuff too. Just clean out the mess and whatnot. But hey, I'm finally on summer vacation so that's helpful. My mood has gotten significantly better after 2ish weeks of doing nothing but binge watching anime. Hahaaaa I know I'm trash I have started and finished like 6 different series already since school let out. B)
  • Mood: Relief
  • Listening to: Fall Out Boy
  • Reading: Deadman Wonderland
  • Watching: Vampire Knight
  • Playing: The World Ends With You
  • Eating: hotpocket
  • Drinking: applejuice

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Robinstar99's Profile Picture
Robinstar99
Mel
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
ID Made here: gen8.deviantart.com/art/Chibi-…

Bio:
15, Gryffindor heart, Slytherin mind, asexual/panromantic, INTP, cat AND dog person, mega nerd, weaboo trash, dragon.

Current obsession: Psychopass, Tokyo Ghoul, and SNK

Relationship status: what is "love"

My catchphrase: "God fudkcingh arghjkfsdg"
Interests

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Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconnekokushu:
nekokushu Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Lily Thank you  so much for the+fav's,:+llama: , andAdded to my devWatch! !!!!!
Reply
:iconrobinstar99:
Robinstar99 Featured By Owner 22 hours ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Of course!!!! You're an amazing cosplayer!!! :D
Reply
:iconthebrokenxdream:
TheBrokenxDream Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Krista Lenz (God or Goddess) [V1] Thank you so much for the faves sweetie on my Ymir and Krista cosplays !!
Reply
:iconrobinstar99:
Robinstar99 Featured By Owner 22 hours ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh of course!! You looked amazing!! :D
Reply
:iconthebrokenxdream:
TheBrokenxDream Featured By Owner 3 hours ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Anna squee Squee! ahh thank you :'D 
Reply
:iconhitomihatake:
HitomiHatake Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2015
Thanks a bunch for the fave! <3 *hugs*
Reply
:iconrobinstar99:
Robinstar99 Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh of course!! You're an amazing cosplayer!!! *hugs back* x3
Reply
:iconmourningmay:
mourningMay Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2015  New Deviant Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you for the fave! ^^
Reply
:iconrobinstar99:
Robinstar99 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Sure! :D
Reply
:icontheexplosionofart:
TheExplosionOfArt Featured By Owner May 19, 2015
thank you so much for the fave! x33
Reply
:iconrobinstar99:
Robinstar99 Featured By Owner May 21, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Of course! ^^
Reply
:iconclaudsilent:
claudsilent Featured By Owner May 14, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks very much for The fav💛 i aprecciate it \(^0^)/
Reply
:iconrobinstar99:
Robinstar99 Featured By Owner May 14, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Of course! ^.^ Your art is beautiful!!!!
Reply
:iconclaudsilent:
claudsilent Featured By Owner May 15, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:) owwww thanks youuu 
Reply
:iconrobinstar99:
Robinstar99 Featured By Owner May 15, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
sure :3
Reply
:iconlimitlessedge:
LimitlessEdge Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2015
Thank you for watching our cosplay group! :D
Reply
:iconrobinstar99:
Robinstar99 Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Sure! You guys are awesome!! :D
Reply
:iconlimitlessedge:
LimitlessEdge Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2015
Aw thanks! ^_^
Reply
:iconrobinstar99:
Robinstar99 Featured By Owner May 2, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Of course! :D
Reply
:iconhitomihatake:
HitomiHatake Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2015
Thanks for the fave! *-*
Reply
:iconclaudsilent:
claudsilent Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Aww Thanks very much for the fav🌟🌟🌟 \(^o^)/❤️❤️❤️❤️
Reply
:iconrobinstar99:
Robinstar99 Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Sure! You're an amazing cosplayer!!!!!! :D
Reply
:iconhitomihatake:
HitomiHatake Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2015
omg *//////* 
Reply
:iconrobinstar99:
Robinstar99 Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
:glomp: remake seriously though you're gorgeous
hOW DO YOU MAKEUPHNNNGGGG 
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconcorrupted-mirror:
Corrupted-Mirror Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2015
Thanks for the fave 8)
Reply
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